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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24231799">Some and Now None</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/etacanis/pseuds/teddylvpin'>teddylvpin (etacanis)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Break Up, Closeted Character, Drunk Sex, F/M, I'm sorry there's nothing nice about this, Infidelity, Jealousy, M/M, No talking about feelings, emotionally immature responses, no happy ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:55:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,223</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24231799</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/etacanis/pseuds/teddylvpin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The weight of expectation is heavy on James, but it always comes back to Teddy.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Sirius Potter/Original Female Character(s), Teddy Lupin/James Sirius Potter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Trope Bingo: Round Fourteen</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Some and Now None</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This happened because I got annoyed at myself for starting another fic with pining and unrequited feelings that turns out all right in the end! So apparently the solution to that was to write something where nothing turns out all right in the end. I'm sorry!</p><p>No beta, any mistakes are my own etcetc. Written for my trope bingo prompt: Love Triangle.</p><p>Title is from Lord Huron, The Night We Met:<br/><i>I had all and then most of you</i><br/>Some and now none of you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The wanting comes in waves. Desperation claws at his lungs, roils in his stomach, crawls up his throat until he's choking on it. Every time, he tells himself it will be the last time. He'll get control of himself. Every time, he tells himself never again.</p><p>Every time, he finds himself stepping through Teddy's flu with a bottle of Ogden's. Every time, Teddy welcomes him with open arms. Every time, there’s a next time.</p><p>*</p><p>They're both drunk, the first time. Not so drunk that they don't know what they're doing, but drunk enough that it seems a good idea. It's James that makes the first move, crowds into Teddy's space in the alleyway behind his flat, cigarette forgotten in his hand.</p><p>"Ted," he murmurs, pushing back, hemming him in against the wall. Teddy's taller than him, bends his knees slightly, lets James hold him against the brick. "Tell me no and I won't." Teddy doesn't, he doesn't, he bends down and lets James kiss him. It's rough and it's dirty, teeth clashing, tastes of beer and smoke and <em>Desperate Want</em>.</p><p>"Tell me no, Ted," James says, as he pulls at Teddy's belt. "I won't, I swear, you can tell me no." Music is filtering from an open window. If he thinks about it he can hear Victoire, drunk and high pitched, telling a story that involves a unicorn, a mermaid, and Hagrid. He fists a hand in James’ hair and doesn't say no. James is breathing heavily, rough gasping breaths as he pulls Teddy’s jeans down; wet, desperate gasps as he mouths at Teddy’s thighs, nips at the fragile skin. 

“Fuck, Jamie, fuck.” Teddy knows he’s babbling, running his hands through James’ hair, petting at the back of his neck, they should be quiet, they should be, but he can’t stop, not when James’ mouthing at his cock like that, like he’s lost control, like Teddy’s all he ever wanted. Faint strains of music fill the air, the smell just before it rains, the taste of iron in Teddy’s mouth. He feels on fire, every nerve lit up, everything in his life hurtling towards this moment.</p><p>It’s over, embarrassingly fast, a strangled noise, a smothered cry from Jamie. He’s speechless, they’re both speechless, James still on his knees, staring up at Teddy; his eyes full of <em>something</em>, looking like he’s lost, and found, all at once.</p><p>“Jay-” But there’s a crack like thunder, the tell tale pop in his ears, and Jamie’s gone, apparating away to who-knows-where, and Teddy’s jeans are still down around his knees.</p><p>*</p><p>They don’t speak about it; not then, not ever. Speaking about it puts a name to it, raises questions they can’t answer. It happened then, and it happens again, and again, and again, but not with words.

</p><p>*
</p><p>James thinks, for a moment, that he should have warned Teddy.</p><p>To do that would be to address the mess between them, the intermittent flashes over the last year.</p><p>But seeing that look on Teddy’s face, even if it was just for a second before his nose shifted and his hair changed colour, the look of utter pain and hurt in his eyes - maybe a warning wouldn’t have been amiss.</p><p>Nobody else has noticed, he knows, too busy fussing over meeting Alice for the first time. Lily’s crawling over Albus to get out of the booth to give her a hug like they’re long lost friends. Teddy’s plastered on a smile too, manages a nice to meet you, and James thinks that he’s the only one that hears the crack in it.</p><p>There’s a hundred and one things he could say, and it’s not like they were ever a thing, but all he can think is <em>I’m sorry</em>.</p><p>*</p><p>He should stay away, he should, but here he is on Teddy’s doorstep.</p><p>“I closed the floo for a reason.” Teddy’s in his pyjamas, his hair it’s natural shade of brown, he doesn’t meet James’ eyes but he doesn’t stop him when he pushes into the hallway.</p><p>“I figured.” James stares, hovers by the coat rack. “I should have told you. I fucked up.” He doesn’t say he’s sorry.</p><p>
“You should have.” There’s that crack in his voice again. “You did.” There’s a pit in James’ stomach that he can’t identify - <em>regret, and pain, and that desperate wanting that’s so familiar when he’s in Teddy’s orbit </em>- and there’s so much he wants to say.</p><p>He wants to explain; that maybe nobody has ever said it, but he knows what’s expected of him, what’s been expected of him since the very day he was born. He wants to say that he begged the Sorting Hat to put him in Gryffindor, that he’d only become an Auror <em>just like his dad </em>because that’s what everyone expected him to do. He doesn’t say that if another war happened, he’d probably be expected to be the hero. He wants to explain that the next expectation is <em>settle-down-get-married-have-kids</em>.</p><p>He doesn’t know how to say that he doesn’t want that, that he wants Teddy, more than anything, so badly it hurts, but being gay is definitely not something he’s expected to be.</p><p>“She’s nice.” He doesn’t mean to say that, it slips out, it’s an understatement of what Alice is, and he’s sure Teddy doesn’t care.</p><p>“Okay.” Teddy’s still staring at the wall, looking over James’ shoulder, desperately avoiding his eyes. The pain is radiating off him in waves, but he doesn’t say anything about that either. 

“I’ll leave you be.” He reaches for Teddy, and stops, hand hovering in the space between them. “Just - I’ll - I’m -” He stutters, he’s what, he’ll what? “Bye.”</p><p>The door slams behind him; it feels final.
</p><p>*
</p><p>It’s not, of course it’s not, it never is.</p><p>*</p><p>The silence lasts six months; put them in public and nobody would ever know, but it’s cold and empty between them, and it’s a long six months where Teddy won’t ever look him in the eye.</p><p>But it’s inevitable, they’re inevitable, and James is so <em>fucking weak</em>; another expectation he can’t meet.</p><p>“I’ve missed you.” Teddy presses him into the mattress, and James arches up into him, pulls him down, skin to skin. “Fuck, Ted, I’ve missed you.” He doesn’t know what Teddy’s mouthing against his neck, can feel the shape of words, through the bite of his teeth; it doesn’t matter, all that matters is this, them. He’s weak, and he wants, he wants so much.</p><p>They move together, practiced, perfect, like there’s nothing else, like there’s never been anything else. He’ll have bruises he’ll need to heal from Teddy’s fingers tight on his hips, there’s scratches down Teddy’s back, he’ll feel this tomorrow, the lingering whisper in his thighs of Teddy fucking him, owning him, posessing him.</p><p>He’ll leave the bruises as long as he can, fix the memory firm, stare at them in the mirror until he<em> can’t</em> forget, then get rid of them before Alice can see; there’s no explaining those away as some sort of work injury. He might as well tattoo the truth of the matter across his forehead for the world to see.</p><p>Sometimes, he thinks Teddy leaves the marks on purpose.</p><p>Sometimes, he thinks Teddy wants him to screw up and forget they’re there.</p><p>Sometimes, he wants to.
</p><p>He pushes back, pushes into Teddy, pulls him tighter, <em>harder, more, </em>he needs this, needs to know there’s always this. The slow burn, the way Teddy makes him feel. The taste of salt and sweat. Nothing else feels like this, not Alice, not dueling, not flying, nothing but Teddy and him, together.</p><p>He tries not to think of her. He pushes his head into the pillow, and tries not to think.
</p><p>*</p><p>He says it once, just the once, because he has to, because the truth of it is strangling him.</p><p>“I love you.” Teddy stares at him, wide eyed. He sets his coffee back on the counter. He takes a deep breath, and James knows he’s counting to ten, the way Andromeda taught him to control his temper.</p><p>He knows then that he’s fucked up.</p><p>“Get out.”</p><p>He doesn’t ever say it again.</p><p>*</p><p>The RSVP stays on his fridge door; a particularly strong sticking charm makes sure of that. He put it there in a pique of anger, drunk on whisky, bitterly angry at himself.</p><p>It serves as a reminder of the years he’s wasted,<em> years</em>, being James’ bit on the side, his dirty little secret.</p><p>He needs to remember that a good fuck every few months is not a relationship, will never be a relationship, will never be any of the things he’s built up in his head, that it’s not just a matter of time before James decides enough is enough, and commits.</p><p>He went to the engagement party, and sucked James off in the toilets, had kissed Alice on the cheek as he said goodbye not ten minutes later, the taste of come still in his mouth. He went to the stag do, and fucked James in his hotel room, held him down and pointedly didn’t think <em>mine.</em> He went to the wedding, and kissed James hard enough to bruise, left his lips bright red and nobody had noticed.</p><p>He doesn’t need to remember any of that, just needs to remember there’s a Mrs Alice Potter now, and that James will never want<em> him </em>enough.</p><p>“Teddy.” James is standing in the kitchen doorway, naked, sleepy, hair at angles, red like fire in the too-bright light, cock half hard between his thighs. “Come back to bed.” He wonders what the excuse is tonight - an overnight shift at work, a Lily-shaped drama that needs the big brother treatment? If she cared enough, the lies would fall apart, come tumbling down and reveal the truth of it all.</p><p>He goes back to bed. He lets James fuck him, slow, tender. James works him open slowly, presses gentle kisses on his chest, slides in and waits, pauses. They kiss, slow and lazy, like it’s a Sunday morning in summer, like they have all the time in the world. They don’t say anything, speak in gasps and deep breaths. James traces the curves of his tattoos with his fingertips, licks into his mouth as he comes. It’s familiar, and wrong, and right, all at once, and Teddy hates himself as James finishes him off, fist around his cock, getting it just right.

“I can’t do this anymore.” He’s sticky and sweaty and he’s staring at the ceiling. James is breathing slow beside him, little huffs of breath as he falls asleep. “You can stay tonight, but that’s it, Jamie, I’m done.”</p><p>“Okay.” James links their hands, intertwines their fingers, calloused against smooth, something so familiar and it feels so wrong.</p><p>*</p><p>He tries dating, and it doesn’t work, because nobody is right, nothing is right except the look on James’ face when he comes through the floo unannounced and sees Teddy bent over the sofa with someone else.</p><p>Teddy doesn’t examine that feeling too much; he locks it away. Pleasure in someone else’s pain was never his thing, but oh, it feels good to know that James hurts just as much as he does.</p><p>*</p><p>“I lied.” Alice could be home any moment. Teddy doesn’t even know how he’s ended up here, in James’ bed. This wasn’t meant to happen again. “It’s not okay, Ted, it’s not fucking okay.” He doesn’t know what James is talking about, everything is reduced to the pinpoint feeling of James’ hand on his cock. “You can’t be done, Teddy, because I’m not fucking done with you.” There’s anger, there’s pain, there’s so much else, but Teddy can’t think right now. Fifteen minutes ago they were with Victoire having brunch, and now they’re here; inevitable again. “I’ll leave her, Teddy, I will, if you want, but you can’t leave me.”</p><p>
“That’s what I want.” He sounds so bitter, he knows it, he’s arching up trying to feel skin but there’s nothing, just James’ hand, they’ve still got their jackets on, their shoes, only his zip unfastened. “That’s what I want.”</p><p>“Okay.” And Teddy remembers then, that last night, nearly a year ago now, in his bed. That’s what this is about, that’s been caught up in James’ head. Has it really been so long? “I will, I promise, I’ll come out, and, and-”</p><p>“Shut up.” He rears up, pulls James into a kiss; it’s like the first time all over again, desperate and dirty and wanting and needy. How could they have lied to themselves and said this would never happen again? His heart is fluttering with James’ promises. He can’t think, nothing is clear, James is keening into his mouth, so right, and he’s found again.</p><p>*</p><p>The promises mean nothing, and James doesn’t leave, because she’s pregnant, and that makes things different, <em>doesn’t it</em>?</p><p>Teddy feels like he’s swallowing glass.</p><p>*</p><p>
  <em>And that’s how it’s going to go, forever, isn’t it Jamie?</em>
</p><p>The owl brings the letter when James wakes up to feed Charlotte, before the dawn. He’s half asleep, and Charlotte is making gentle little whimpers in his arms, and it doesn’t make any sense.</p><p>
  <em>Don’t follow me, Jamie. I’m gone.</em>
</p><p>He sets the parchment alight, cradles his baby away from the smoke, and tries not to think about the way the world is ending.</p><p>
<em>I loved you, Jamie.</em></p>
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